Birthday Boy

Baby boy, you're 1! Good gravy, where did the year go? Here we are, two months past your birthday and I'm just sitting down to write about it because #2ndkid #hotmessmom. We had an awesome day celebrating you with an ice cream bar, bouncy house, and splash pad. You are learning so much right now. You are an epic climber and little man of few words. You can say mama, papa, hi, and bye. You also sign for milk. Thank you for giving us such an easy first year bubs. We are so grateful for you and your relaxed personality.

Love,
Mama Bear

Sometimes we get our shit together.

It's not often that we can get our shit together and take a good family photo but our recent fall photo shoot went great! Alyssa Rei Photography out of Farmington, MN knows how to capture true joy in her clients and preserve moments in time.

#breakthesilenceday

**Minneapolis has officially declared August 17th, 2016 as Break the Silence Day. Break your silence using #breakthesilence on social media.**

Eff, you guys... I've been struggling deeply with something.

Three and a half years ago I was just a sexual assault victim. Now... I'm a sexual assault victim | mom. It's a whole new level of struggle. Like seriously, I was effing over it. All of the sudden after becoming a mom... it's hit me like a ton of bricks. It has brought on a whole new wave of emotional trauma. All of the sudden I can't dismiss my story. I have these children to protect and they don't know it yet but they NEED their mom to own her story.

There were many times during in the past several years where I nearly convinced myself it hadn't happened because it was easier that way. It was easier to forget that part of my story. Now? Questions cross my mind almost daily. Questions like: How will I protect Lita from men boys like him? How will I protect Gus? How will I protect them from becoming the abuser? We naively think that neither side of the coin will happen to our kids but that's not fair to them.

I don't know what the answer is. I am in the thick of it all and I can't find the answers to how to protect my kids from this cruel world. It seems hopeless at times. There's no way I can possibly be there for them all the time. & even when they're in places deemed "safe", they are not safe. I can't assume they are safe. I met my abuser in church. He was supposed to be one of the good guys. He wasn't supposed to hurt me. He wasn't supposed to hurt all of the women he hurt. One by one we stepped out. & yet I'm certain there are more that didn't step out than did. 

In these days of technology overload it's pretty easy to know what others are up to. I know that he's still in ministry. Married. Has a baby girl. I wonder if he ever questions like I do? How do I protect her from people like me? 

It all feels like a lot to wrestle with right now. I hope it gets easier or that I get stronger in dealing with the emotional waves. My kids depend on it.