Eff, you guys... I've been struggling deeply with something.
Three and a half years ago I was just a sexual assault victim. Now... I'm a sexual assault victim | mom. It's a whole new level of struggle. Like seriously, I was effing over it. All of the sudden after becoming a mom... it's hit me like a ton of bricks. It has brought on a whole new wave of emotional trauma. All of the sudden I can't dismiss my story. I have these children to protect and they don't know it yet but they NEED their mom to own her story.
There were many times during in the past several years where I nearly convinced myself it hadn't happened because it was easier that way. It was easier to forget that part of my story. Now? Questions cross my mind almost daily. Questions like: How will I protect Lita from
I don't know what the answer is. I am in the thick of it all and I can't find the answers to how to protect my kids from this cruel world. It seems hopeless at times. There's no way I can possibly be there for them all the time. & even when they're in places deemed "safe", they are not safe. I can't assume they are safe. I met my abuser in church. He was supposed to be one of the good guys. He wasn't supposed to hurt me. He wasn't supposed to hurt all of the women he hurt. One by one we stepped out. & yet I'm certain there are more that didn't step out than did.
In these days of technology overload it's pretty easy to know what others are up to. I know that he's still in ministry. Married. Has a baby girl. I wonder if he ever questions like I do? How do I protect her from people like me?
It all feels like a lot to wrestle with right now. I hope it gets easier or that I get stronger in dealing with the emotional waves. My kids depend on it.
